Fencing Conversations (sort of)

A conversation I reproduced/changed and added to for my playwriting class (names have been changed to protect the innocent)

(4 guys)

1: What are you guys talking about?

2: We were saying that before Brosnan, Connery was the best bond, but now Brosnan is.

1: You must be joking.

3: Connery is by far the best Bond.

1: The part was practically written for Sean Connery in the first place. I mean, he is James Bond. Pierce Brosnan is great, and I love Goldeneye, but Connery is clearly the best.

2: Brosnan has made 4 good movies – how many of the Conneries were really that good?

4: Seriously. Connery made Diamonds are Forever.

3: Fine, but what about Thunderball?

1: Or Goldfinger, or Dr. No?

2: Ok that's 3. Brosnan has made 4.

4: To be fair the last one sucked.

3: The one with Halley Barry?

4: Yeah.

2: Well, maybe. Then I guess they're even.

1: No way, dude. There are so many other Conneries that you're forgetting. What about From Russia with Love?

4: That movie sucked too.

3: That one was pretty lame.

1: Are you kidding? That Russian chick was hot as shit.

4: They all had somebody hot as shit. They're Bond movies.

2: At least we can all agree that Roger Moore was the worst.

1: I don't know man. He was bad but what about that other guy?

3: Timothy Dalton?

1: He was bad too, but no, at least he looked the part. I'm talking about the other guy who only did one movie.

2: Oh right. I can't remember his name either, but I know who you're talking about.

1: But you're right, Roger Moore looks like some kind of beach bum. He's not suave at all.

4: Clearly the only way to solve this is to get them all in the ring.

1: Or have them play Bond for 64.

3: Or, did you ever watch that show on MTV, um what was it, Celebrity Deathmatch?

4: No, something this important can't be settled by claymation.

(There is a pause when their dinner arrives)

3: So, John, who do you think would win, China or Rome?

2: During the same time period?

3: Yeah, they were around at the same time. I think it was the Han dynasty, or Song, or some fucking thing.

1: It was the Han.

4: Somyunguy.

2: Romans would kick their ass, dude.

1: I don't know about that. Chinese at this period were really far advanced.

2: Yeah but what did they ever do? I mean, they carved out some territory, but then they just mostly stayed the same. Nothing ever really happened.

1: Well, actually, they fought quite a bit, and would be conquered a lot later on. But this was the point when they were carving out their territory.

3: The Romans never really lost until the end, though.

1: That's not true at all. They lost at Cannae, um, what's it called – Thermopolye?

3: Thermopolye was Greek. That was the Spartans.

1: Oh right. I was thinking of something else, but I can't remember names today.

2: Wasn't there some group or something that was trying to keep them away from China?

1: um I don't know about that. They traded with China.

2: It was the Moguls or the Mongols or something.

1: It couldn't have been the Mongols because there weren't any Mongols.

4: Yeah the Mongols didn't sack Baghdad until the what? 11^th century? 12^th or 13^th century?

1: I think it was the 13^th.

4: Yeah, 12--

1: I can't remember the exact year.

4: I wanna say 1248 or 1278.

1: Maybe.

2: But wasn't there some battle out in the east where they were completely slaughtered?

1: I thought you said they would kick China's ass.

2: They would, but I didn't say they would never lose a battle. I was playing it on Rome: Total War. It's fucking impossible. You have to fight somebody from the east.

1: Adrianople.

2: What?

1: The battle I was thinking of earlier. Sorry it just came to me.

3: Is Rome: Total War a good game?

2: Oh my God, dude. It's so freaking sweat. Have you ever played Age of Empires?

3: I played 2 for a while.

2: Oh well, 3 is better. But Rome is better than both of them. It's turn-based except for the battles. And it's so realistic. You have to made sure your troops are flanking right, that they're not walking through each other...like you've got to keep cavalry moving, if they stay still they'll get slaughtered by any unit.

1: Not any unit.

2: Ok you can't kill cavalry with peasants.

3: Sounds cool. I wanted to play something with more realistic fighting.

2: Yeah Age of Empires is just a game.

1: And what, Rome is real?

2: You know what I mean. But what was that battle where they lost out in the east. To some group of horsemen or something. It's in the epic battle section of the game and I can't beat it.

4: It was the one where what's his name was slaughtered. He wanted to have military power or something.

1: Oh you mean—shit, what is his name? There was Caesar, Pompey, and him. It was the first triumvirate.

4: Crassus! That's it.

1: Right when Crassus was destroyed by the Parthians.

3: Parthinians.

1: I'm pretty sure it's Parthians dude.

2: Yeah that's it. Because they could circle around and his cavalry had all been destroyed earlier.

1: Well it's because of the Parthian shot. Where they could shoot at you while riding backwards away from you.

4: None of this answers the central question. Who would win, China or Rome?

1: You guys do realize that this is pointless right? It's like asking who would win, a Grizzly Bear or an Alligator.

4: Clearly a Grizzly Bear.

(They all laugh)

2: Yeah right. There's no question that an Alligator would win. I mean, think of the jaws dude.

3: What? You're joking right? Have you ever seen a Grizzly Bear?

1: Guys! Jesus, I didn't mean to start another conversation I was trying to point out how stupid the last one was.

2: Relax, dude, we're just joking around.

1: Were you really? Sometimes I'm not so sure.

2: What the fuck are you talking about?

3: Are you seriously getting mad about this?

1: No, I'm not mad. It's just that we always talk about this shit.

2: So? What's wrong with that?

1: I don't know. Nothing, I guess.

4: We just talk about things that we're interested in. So what?

1: So we're interested in James Bond, dead civilizations, and video games about dead civilizations?

4: No. We talked about Bond girls too.

1: Which brings me to my real point. Don't you guys ever wonder why we don't have girlfriends?

2: I don't know about you guys, but I've got me a girl.

1: Dude, Sandra does not count as a girl.

2: What?

1: I'm serious man. I hate to be the one to tell you but occasional sex is not a relationship. She's just fucking using you because your dad gives you a huge allowance.

2: What?

4: He's right, man. She cheats on you too.

2: What?

3: It's true. She hooked up with Sean at the Halloween party.

2: What?

1: Ok - stop acting so surprised. You must have known. We were in your room.

3: Um. While we're being all truthful and everything – I hooked up with her too.

4: Yeah me too.

1: She really gets around. You should think about dumping her.

(a pause)

4: I think he's in shock.

1: He'll be fine. The point is that, maybe the reason we don't have girls is that all we care about are meaningless things.

3: I don't understand why you're down on video games all of a sudden.

1: I'm not, video games are fine. It's just that there might be more important things in life.

4: ...like James Bond?

1: Well, yes, but think even more important than that.

2: You guys were joking right?

1: No John! Jesus, we all slept with your girlfriend. Get over it.

2: I think I'm going to lie down.

1: Listen. I'm a history dork. I know it. I love history and I know lots of random crap about it, and that's fine. But it doesn't really matter.

3: I'm not sure I see what you're getting at.

1: Ok, let me put it this way. You're a big movie guy, right Will?

3: Yeah, so?

1: You've got more movie quotes than anyone I know of, including me, so that's a lot. What would you do if you told a girl that you spent all summer with your uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines and she didn't know that was a line from Napoleon Dynamite?

3: Well, I wouldn't talk to her again.

4: Oh, I think I see what you're getting at.

1: And Jason, you're really into music. What if a girl told you that she really hated David Bowie. Or if she'd never heard of Arcade Fire, or worse, Modest Mouse?

4: Well, I think I'd have to tell her how stupid she was for not appreciating one of the greatest musical minds of our century – oh yeah. Now I get it.

1: And John over there -

4: Haven't we done enough damage to John for one day?

1: He'll get over it.

3: What really matters is what you like, not what you are like. Books, records, films – these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fucking truth.

1: Isn't that a line from High Fidelity?

3: Yeah but I thought it applied.

4: I think you might have missed his point Will.

1: Nice quote though. That's a hot movie.

3: Yeah it is.

1: Damn it Will. You're getting us off track.

4: We get it man. You're right. We have to stop acting that we're so superior to everyone else just because we know trivia about Romans or about Movies or whatever.

3: Yeah we need to respect people's feelings and appreciate them for who they are not for what they know or don't know.

1: Whoa. Let's not get carried away. We're still male.

3: Is John crying?

4: Yeah so, anyway. I've got to run.

1: Yeah me too.

(pause while they gather their things)

4: Oh dude, this doesn't mean you aren't going to play CounterStrike anymore does it?

1: Hell no. You'll be on later?

4: Definitely.

1: Cool, see you then.

4: Later.